Should I Stay or Should I Go?

The decision of whether to stay in or get out of a relationship is not an easy one.  Having reached the point where that decision is necessary, people often wonder if the relationship could get better or if they will regret leaving.  In addition, that question often brings about a great deal of painful self-reflection, along with equally painful realizations.  Fortunately, there are steps you can take to help you make the right decision about your relationship with as little pain as possible.

1. Is your relationship troubled?

The first step in deciding whether to stay or go is to determine whether you have a troubled relationship.  There are typically three types of troubled relationships:

• Stormy.  Stormy describes the relationships in which there is a great deal of arguments and discomfort caused by an enormous amount of negative passion.  Often the couple has heated passionate arguments followed by equally heated, passionate sex as a way of making up after the fight.  While this can happen in any relationship, it is a common, sometimes daily, occurrence in the stormy relationship. 
• Indifferent. In the indifferent relationship, there is no passion, positive or negative.  While the people involved may be as angry as those in a stormy relationship are, they simply do not have the passion or energy to fight about it.  Of course, there may be no anger whatsoever, just two people growing apart in silence.
• One-sided.  The one-sided relationship involves one person putting a great deal of energy into maintaining the relationship while the other does little to nothing.  This usually causes one person to be comforted and content while the other is unfulfilled and, possibly, angry or resentful.

2. What is the problem?

Whether or not your relationship falls into one of the troubled categories, the fact that you are considering leaving means there are problems.  Get a pen and a piece of paper and write down the problems you see in the relationship.  Be sure to include addictions and chemical dependency, affairs, abuse, communication problems, and issues related to sex and intimacy.  Once you have made the list, try to think of when the problems started and what could have been the cause of those problems. 

3. What are the expectations?

Everyone in a relationship has expectations of and for the relationship.  Write down your expectations and those of your partner.  Include both what you expect from the relationship and what you expect from the other person.

4. Examine.

The fourth step in deciding whether to stay or go is to examine your answers to the first three steps. 

• If your relationship is troubled, ask yourself if there is any potential for change in the relationship.  If there is not, ask yourself if that is where you really want to stay.  If there is potential for change, how would it be accomplished?  Are you willing to make that kind of effort?
• Are the problems something that can be fixed by you and your partner?  Would it require outside help, such as a therapist or addictions counselor? If the problems cannot be fixed, is this something you are willing to live with?
• Do you and your partner have similar expectations?  Is there common ground? Can you find common ground?

It is impossible for anyone else to tell you whether you should stay or go.  That is a decision that you must make; however, there are steps you can take to examine your relationship that will make the decision easier to make.  Time spent evaluating your wants, needs and expectations, as well as those of your partner, will often lead you to the right decision for you.

Should I Stay or Go ?